Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
