Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
