yo everyone went to the hospital last night
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
