You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
