My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
