And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
