she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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