I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
