Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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