hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
its liver damage thursday
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
