So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
