I can tuck mytits in my pants
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
