I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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