I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
