you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
