it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
