I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
