i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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