i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
