I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
