Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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