I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
