I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Someone came in the potted fern
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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