either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
