Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
