Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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