He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
