so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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