Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
they're like a gay fantastic four
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
