i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
