how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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