why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
