Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
