Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
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