Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
