I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
