woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
My feet surprised me
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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