Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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