Your mouth is God's brothel.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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