You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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