I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
