If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
