this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
