i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
