that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
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Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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