I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
