someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
