thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
