the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Let's get the cat blown out
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
