i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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