It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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