Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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