I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
