lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
