You can't motorboat a personality
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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