she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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