I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
