so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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