the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
