I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
