I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
